I'm going to bite the bullet.

I'm going to do it this time. Definately. I know I'm working now but I'm feeling totally unfulfilled. I need to give my business a go for my own peace of mind. Even if I fail, I can do it alongside work hopefully.

I can't keep filling up my hours with meaningless activities to distract my mind from what I want to be doing when it's not working anyway.

Time to have faith and take a damn big leap.

People who aren't who you think.

I love my brother's partner to death, she's just the sweetest girl ever. I always thought she had it really together and a really confident person but I just found out she is spend hundreds on a hair removal laser thing because some drunk guy that she doesn't know and will probably never see her again. I'm horrified. I mean I have those hairs and most women do and mine get really dark around my period and they def got darker when I got pregnant but I don't care. I never even noticed any hairs on her face. I'm shocked she's not as confident as I thought she was.

I am going to get the same laser treatment but it's mainly because I'll save money in the long run. I'm so upset that she feels like that.

I just convinced her that she doesn't need to lose any more weight for their wedding just maintain it. She already does quite a bit of exercise but was considering starting another class but I think (hope) she doesn't feel she has to now. At the moment, one of her closest friends is way to thin at the moment because of trying to lose weight for the wedding and I basically said (in a nice roundabout way) if she keeps going she look like her. I think that hit home (hopefully) I don't really feel insecure about my body to the extent that my sister-in-law does and I'm kinda tomboyish but for some reason I seem to the only one who's getting through to her.

I hope I can give her some confidence. It's just a shame she won't believe my bro because he is the least superficial person I know.

I'm not any good at this stuff but it is kinda falling on my shoulders.

Thinking of our future...

Got a lot to think about. My head is a bit wrecked. I suppose since we are more than likely going to be moving to New Zealand, i gotta cope with the idea that my family won't be that involved in Donal's life or any future kids we may have. I'm already thinking about schools. I have to do some research into Kiwi schools and how they work. I'm going to brush up on my Irish so I can teach Donal some if we do decide to move. I would love another little kid now but even though we have the money my instinct is telling me to wait another year so I am.

I think the only reason I think I want another baby is because I'm feeling pretty unsatisfied with most things and I want to feel in the hole (which is a rubbish reason to have a baby). I'm happy with my little family but my extended family drive me crazy for reasons I don't even want to get into.

I know I should be grateful I have a job even though it won't be full time for another month or so and it's secure etc. I just want to dive in and start my business but I can't do it without getting into debt and that would be a totally selfish thing to do for Donal's future.

I'm really trying to enjoy the job as it's usually the type of work I enjoy but I'm just not. I feel so smothered with the mundane every day stuff.

Not Donal though he's fair from mundane, he's my crazy little sweet boy and although I miss my tiny baby he's getting better as he gets older. He's started making little 2 year old jokes and he gets excited when he sees me baking biscuits or bread and pretty much stands at the oven door until it's baked and his reaction if I bake them while he's asleep is priceless. How dare mummy bake without me....

He's also started copying what I say which is just so cute.

I just want to provide for him and hang out with him. I hate having other people minding him other than Chris and I. I know he's with his Grandad but still I prefer it when he's with me because my Dad just tends to do what he wants to do with Donal, not what we want.

If I had my own business, he could be with me alot which to me is hugely important. It's always so chilled with me and while he is always happy with my parents, he spends most of him time wired and hyper.

Anyway I think that's all I have to say or type.

Frustrating day...

I spent the whole day working getting the school ready for the science fair tomorrow including making up a sciencey cd for background music. I'm off tomorrow. It's very disappointing putting so much work into something and not to be there for it. Oh well, hopefully the kids have a great time. I'll be spending tomorrow cleaning and repotting my herbs. I suppose I'll have to spend some time with Donal!

I wish I had the words to explain how my head feels.

Oh well I'm sure everything will work out even though I'm compromising on loads of stuff I want to do. I'm trying so hard to be patient but I'm getting more and more frustrated.

I'm trying so hard to be positive...

Terrible Twos

Oh dear, my little angel is disappearing and his little temper tantrums are slowly building momentum. I'm completely drained from dealing with them. Hopefully they won't last very long. Absolutely everything is an issue, getting dressed in the morning, getting undressed in the evening, getting into the highchair, getting out of the highchair, going for a walk, coming home from the walk. The list goes on and on. I'm too tired to even attempt to make a joke about it.

Other than that, everything is good. He saw his grandparents yesterday morning on skype which is always good because he does miss them. He's forever kissing their picture and every airplane he sees he calls their names.

Nothing very interesting has happened of late, just the usual. Had a family dinner yesterday with 2 extra people at the last minute, my brothers in-laws. It was lovely and I'm always saying it's something we should do more regularly, specially when we get on so well. I reckon Donal sees them as his 3rd set of Grandparents.

Oh I'm doing one exciting thing, I'm going with Ger (brother's partner) and her sisters to view her wedding dress next weekend and to help pick out dresses for them. (someone to stand back and view them as a group) so that should be fun. Even though it's not a really dressy affair we are both of the opinion I should go for a fab evening gown, something that sets me apart from the guests but very different from the bridesmaids because naturally she wants her and sisters to stand out. I know it's months away yet but I'm really excited as I only have one sibling. Brendan (brother) wants Donal (my son) to be a mini version of him even if he has to get the suit specially made. Donal is a complete mini version of his Dad though which will be brillant for our wedding.

Anyway that's enough rambling for one day.

Take care and have a nice day.

Crazy days....

Been a crazy few days getting used to working again. It is getting easier getting used to having ting Donal organised that early but he is suffering from a little separation anxiety at night. The job is fine but I'm not finding it that stimulating. I spend most of my day wondering what will I do next. The kids are great and that part is brillant but in general there isn't a lot going on. I suppose I'm just used to working with larger groups and according to the vice-principal I'm coping very well with the various types of special needs. She said most the new people usually break down at some point in the first few weeks because they find dealing with the children and their different habits difficult to deal with.

I'm hoping once I settle in I will enjoy it a bit more as I'm worried that I'm not enjoying it because my brain is buzzing with 3 separate business ideas all viable, all good plain sensible business plans that are very capable of working in the area I live in but I'm struggling with it as I'm just don't have enough financial security behind me to do it without getting in debt which obviously is something I want to avoid. I'm friends with plenty of other business people who's overheads are crippling them and are working week to week and that's not how I want to do this.

I don't know... My head hurts thinking about all the things I want to achieve and I'm not quite there. I'm not good at waiting. Hopefully things work out for me. Chris is behind me a 100% but agrees I should wait but it's sending me a bit crazy.

Oh well. Sorry for the whingefest. Send me all your good wishes and I'll send them back tenfold.

Sub Work.

I got a call at 9:20 this morning. It was the school I had a job interview a few weeks back as a Special needs assistant. I got the job but I can't start until my garda clearance comes through. They needed someone last minute as someone was ill so I was brought in as a sub. I'm helping out tomorrow as well.

I'm torn between working in the school 9 -3 each day and still getting the afternoon/evening with Donal and just jumping right in and start my business. Specially since a few days ago the perfect premises came up for rent including till, shop displays etc for a really good price. The couple who had the shop retired.

My instinct is to go with my idea but my head is telling me to get a job add another wage to the family and put some money aside into the business fund so in the future when I do set up I'll owe the banks less.

I don't know what to do.

Opinions anyone? Just dive right in or take the sensible safe route.